Translating Your Spouse: What They Really Mean When They Say...
Ever feel like you and your spouse are speaking different languages? You say one thing, they hear another. They say something that seems straightforward, but there's clearly a whole other conversation happening beneath the surface.
Welcome to marriage.
As a Christian couples therapist in Greensboro, NC, I spend a lot of time helping couples decode what they're actually saying to each other. Sometimes the words coming out of your mouth don't match what you're really trying to communicate. And sometimes what sounds simple on the surface has layers of meaning underneath.
Consider this your translation guide—a playful look at common phrases that mean more (or something different) than they appear to mean. Some apply to wives, some to husbands, and some mean completely different things depending on who's saying them.
Let's decode.
"I'm Fine"
When She Says It:
Translation: "I am definitely not fine, and I'm hurt that you can't tell. I want you to notice something is wrong without me having to spell it out. If you were really paying attention, you'd know what's bothering me. The fact that you're accepting 'I'm fine' at face value is making me even less fine."
What she's hoping for: That you'll press gently: "You don't seem fine. What's going on?" followed by actually listening to the answer.
What usually happens: You can tell that is not true, but don’t trust a gentle push will help, so you avoid, she gets more upset, and later you're confused about what she expected you to have done differently.
When He Says It:
Translation: "I actually am fine, or at least I'm managing whatever isn't fine and don't need to talk about it right now. I might be processing internally. I might be compartmentalizing. But I'm not trying to send you a secret message—if I needed something from you, I'd say so."
What he's hoping for: That you'll take him at his word and give him space to handle whatever he's handling.
What usually happens: You're convinced he's not fine and keep pushing, which makes him frustrated because he was actually fine until you wouldn't let it go.
The Bottom Line:
Same words, completely different meanings. She wants you to read between the lines. He wants you to take him literally. Neither is wrong, but you both need to understand the other's communication style.
"You Pick"
When She Says It:
Translation: "I have opinions about this, but I don't want to always be the one making decisions. I want you to take initiative and choose something. But also, I'm hoping you'll choose something I'd like. And if you choose something I really don't want, I might say something. So it's less 'you pick' and more 'you pick something I'd be happy with.'"
What she's hoping for: That you'll either: (a) choose something she'd genuinely enjoy, proving you know her well, or (b) offer a couple options for her to choose from, showing you're engaged but letting her have input.
What usually happens: You pick something, she's not thrilled about it, and you're frustrated because she said you could pick.
When He Says It:
Translation: "I genuinely don't have a strong preference here. Whatever you choose is fine with me. I'm being sincere. Please just make a decision so we can move forward."
What he's hoping for: That you'll pick something and everyone can stop talking about it.
What usually happens: You don't believe he really doesn't care, you keep asking for his opinion, he gets frustrated because he already said you could pick, and eventually everyone is annoyed.
The Bottom Line:
When she says "you pick," she usually has opinions but wants you to show initiative. When he says "you pick," he often means it literally. If you're not sure, just ask: "Do you genuinely not care, or do you want me to pick something you'd be happy with?"
"I Just Wish..."
When She Says It:
Translation: "I have a need I'm trying to express without sounding demanding or needy. I'm softening my request by framing it as a wish instead of a need, but I'm hoping you'll hear it as important. 'I just wish we spent more time together' means 'I need more quality time with you and I'm feeling disconnected.' 'I just wish you'd help more around the house' means 'I'm overwhelmed and need you to step up.'"
What she's hoping for: That you'll hear the need underneath the wish and respond to it: "You're right, let's make that happen. What would that look like?"
What usually happens: You hear it as a vague wish rather than a request, nothing changes, and she gets more frustrated that you didn't respond to what felt like a clear communication to her.
When He Says It:
Translation: "I'm expressing something I'd like but I don't expect it to happen, and I'm probably not going to push for it. 'I just wish I had more time to work on my project' might mean 'I'd like that but I know we're busy.' Or sometimes it means 'I'm hinting at something I want but don't want to directly ask for because I don't want to seem selfish.'"
What he's hoping for: Sometimes just to be heard. Sometimes he's actually hoping you'll help make it happen but doesn't want to ask directly.
What usually happens: You either don't take it seriously (because it sounded casual), or you take it very seriously and he feels guilty for mentioning it.
The Bottom Line:
"I just wish" is often a softened way of expressing a real need or desire. The word "just" makes it sound smaller than it is. If your spouse says this, ask: "Is this something you're just mentioning, or is this something that's really important to you?"
"We Used To..."
When Either Says It:
Translation: "I'm mourning something we've lost. We used to laugh more. We used to have sex more often. We used to prioritize each other. We used to be spontaneous. And I miss it. I'm not just reminiscing—I'm expressing sadness about how things have changed and maybe hoping we can get some of that back."
What they're hoping for: That you'll hear the longing underneath the nostalgia: "You're right, we did. I miss that too. What would it take to bring some of that back?"
What usually happens: One person hears it as criticism ("So you're saying our marriage isn't good anymore?") and gets defensive, or dismisses it ("Well, we have kids now / we're older / life is different"), and the person who said it feels unheard.
The Bottom Line:
"We used to" is rarely just about the past. It's about missing something in the present. Instead of getting defensive or dismissive, get curious: "What specifically do you miss about that? How can we bring some of that energy back into our life now?"
"It's No Big Deal"
When She Says It:
Translation: "It actually is a big deal to me, but I'm minimizing it because: (a) I don't want to seem high-maintenance, (b) I don't want to burden you, (c) I'm testing to see if you'll notice it matters even though I'm saying it doesn't, or (d) I've tried to bring this up before and it didn't go well, so I'm downplaying it."
What she's hoping for: That you'll see through the minimizing and recognize it does matter: "If it matters to you, it matters to me. Tell me about it."
What usually happens: You take her at face value, treat it like it's no big deal, and she's hurt that you didn't recognize its importance.
When He Says It:
Translation: "This really might not be a big deal to me, but I can see it is to you, and I don't want you to feel bad about it. I'm trying to reassure you. Or, I'm trying to de-escalate because this feels like it's becoming bigger than it needs to be."
What he's hoping for: That saying "it's no big deal" will help everyone calm down and move forward.
What usually happens: She doesn't believe him (because if it were no big deal, why is there tension?), or she feels like he's dismissing something that matters to her.
The Bottom Line:
"It's no big deal" is often code for "I'm uncomfortable with the level of emotion here." If something feels like a big deal to either of you, honor that instead of minimizing it.
"Do We Have to Talk About This Now?"
When He Says It:
Translation: "I'm overwhelmed, I need time to process, I'm not ready for this conversation, or I genuinely don't have the emotional bandwidth right now. This doesn't mean I don't care or I'm avoiding—I just can't engage well in this moment. Can we talk about it when I'm more able to be present?"
What he's hoping for: That you'll give him time to mentally prepare and you can come back to it later when he can actually engage.
What usually happens: She hears "He doesn't want to deal with this" or "He's avoiding," pushes to talk about it now, he shuts down more, and the conversation goes nowhere.
When She Says It:
Translation: "I've been trying to talk about this for a while and you keep putting me off, so now I'm frustrated and asking sarcastically if we can finally address this. Or, I'm exhausted and really can't handle this conversation right now, but I don't trust that we'll actually come back to it if we don't talk now."
What she's hoping for: Either to actually have the conversation now (if she's been waiting), or genuine reassurance that you'll come back to it soon if she agrees to wait.
What usually happens: Mixed signals, hurt feelings, and the underlying issue still not getting addressed.
The Bottom Line:
Timing matters for difficult conversations. If someone genuinely needs a pause, honor it—but set a specific time to return to it. "Not now" should never mean "not ever."
"I'm Not Mad"
When She Says It:
Translation: "I might actually be mad, but I'm trying to regulate my emotions and not escalate. Or I'm hurt but don't want to admit it because that feels vulnerable. Or I'm not mad yet but I'm getting there. Basically, there's something going on emotionally that I'm not fully expressing."
What she's hoping for: That you'll gently check in: "Are you sure? You seem upset. I want to understand what's going on."
What usually happens: You accept it at face value, she stays upset, and later you're blindsided by an argument about something you thought was fine.
When He Says It:
Translation: "I'm genuinely not mad. I might be frustrated, stressed about work, tired, or thinking about something else, but I'm not angry at you. If I were mad, I'd either tell you or I'd need space. But right now, I'm really not mad."
What he's hoping for: That you'll believe him and not keep asking if he's mad, which will actually start to make him frustrated.
What usually happens: You're convinced he's mad, you keep asking, he gets annoyed that you won't take him at his word, and now he's actually frustrated (ironically, about being asked if he's mad).
The Bottom Line:
Pay attention to body language and tone, not just words. But also, sometimes people really mean what they say. If you're not sure, ask once with genuine curiosity, then trust their answer.
"Whatever You Want"
When She Says It:
Translation: "I'm either frustrated that I always have to make decisions, or I've already said what I want and you're not hearing me, or I'm tired of this conversation and giving up. This is often not peaceful acceptance—it's passive resignation with a side of resentment."
What she's hoping for: That you'll recognize she's frustrated and engage differently: "I can tell you're not happy. What do you really want here?"
What usually happens: You take "whatever you want" as permission to do what you want, she's upset about it later, and you're confused because she said whatever you want.
When He Says It:
Translation: "I actually am flexible here and you can choose. I'm trying to be accommodating. I might have a slight preference but it's not strong enough to matter. Please just make a decision so we can stop discussing it."
What he's hoping for: That you'll make a choice and everyone can move on.
What usually happens: You overthink it, keep asking for his input, or worry you're being selfish, when he genuinely meant what he said.
The Bottom Line:
Context and tone matter. "Whatever you want" said cheerfully usually means flexibility. "Whatever you want" said flatly or with a sigh usually means frustration. Learn to tell the difference.
When You Need a Real Translator
Here's the thing about all of these translations: healthy couples eventually learn each other's language. You figure out what "I'm fine" really means from your specific spouse. You learn when "you pick" is genuine and when it's a test. You develop the ability to hear the need underneath "I just wish."
But if you're constantly needing a translation guide, if you feel like you're speaking different languages more often than not, if misunderstandings are the norm rather than the exception—that might be a sign you need more than a blog post.
That's where couples therapy comes in. Sometimes you need someone to help you:
Understand each other's communication styles
Learn to say what you actually mean
Hear what your spouse is really saying
Break patterns of miscommunication
Build a shared language that works for both of you
The goal isn't to become mind readers. The goal is to communicate clearly enough that you don't need to be.
The Real Solution
While this translation guide is helpful (and hopefully fun), the real solution is simpler: say what you mean and ask what they mean.
If you're not fine, say so. If you really don't care where you eat, say that genuinely. If "I just wish" is actually "I need," say need. If you're mourning something you've lost, name it directly.
And if you're not sure what your spouse means? Ask. "When you say 'I'm fine,' are you really fine, or is something bothering you?" "When you say 'you pick,' do you genuinely not care, or are you hoping I'll choose something specific?"
Clear communication isn't about dramatic transparency or over-explaining everything. It's about closing the gap between what you say and what you mean, and being curious enough to ask when you're not sure.
That's how you build a marriage where you don't need a translator—because you've learned each other's language.
Feeling like you and your spouse are speaking different languages? Contact Cardinal Counseling Connection today to schedule a consultation for Christian couples therapy in Greensboro, NC.
